2005

The “last” finance working day of 2005. As of tomorrow till New Year, no cheque will be issue. My department today becomes the battleground of invoices. We still have less than 8 hours to kill. Not good, with the department’s politic, I lost one of my best staff to the worst staff that the department have to offer. I definitely will not complain if the transfer will be made next year, however, it was done two weeks ago, during this time of year. Clever ar my colleague, exchanging my staff with hers, damn politician! No time to train her maa. On my new staff table, pile of invoices still hanging there, giving me the creeps when I walked pass her table, seeing all the urgent chop on top of almost all of the invoices. What done is done. My main concern right now is less accrual! I don’t want the same thing happened in 2004 happen again. If we couldn’t pay this year, at least I wanted it to be entered into the system.

Accompany Bob to meet one of his clients yesterday evening. Showed them a new unique style of wedding album. I didn’t give a damn at first, till Bob showed the album to me. Wow! It was beautiful. The pictures were printed, and it was sort like a story, without words written, the pictures themselves have already spoken. The pictures were self-arranged, and it was none that I’ve ever seen before. Hmm… gonna grab one for me, when the time comes J

Tomorrow, Tag’s wedding, Seremban. The plan was to get a ride on Pejol’s Waja. I’m not sure what’s the plan after that. Home? PD? Or Umbai? Whatever it will be, I’m looking forward to it. It’s a 3 days holiday, and I’m going to enjoy in it.

LATE!!!

Woke up late yesterday. I picked up my phone, it’s 9.05. Dialed up my boss, stated that I’ve overslept, she laughed and asked me whether I’m coming or not. With the amount of work left on my table, I couldn’t consider no as an answer. I came into the office at 10, morale already low with hangover still sit on the edge of my eye-lid.

My staffs have already left for training. According to the schedule, mine was in the evening. The training was about fund management, more towards managing budget, specifically for transferring this year budget to the next. It’s a two-hour training, but my staffs were back at their seat an hour earlier. What a relief, I thought, well, when I went, I was totally wrong. A bunch of bosses were there.

The problem with a meeting/training with a bunch of bosses were they tend to show off, though actually there’s nothing to show, but they did, so the training time were dragged 20 minutes late. I’ve fallen asleep at first, but my instinct does it works well. At the corner of my sleeping eyes, I saw one of the bosses asking questions’ with eyes keep looking back at me. My self-training in Tai-Chi works really well too, haha. She started referring at me when the questions’ end, a question that I have answered a million times before. I diverted it to others, haha.

That’s the obstacle of being an accountant I guess. End-users tend to think that all money-related problem linked to us. Whatever ways we have explained to them, they will never have understood. Treasury, budget and finance department were different entities. That’s true enough for my company though.

Some of my colleagues were asking whether I’m going to take leaves or not. There’s 4 left of mine. Hmmm…I think I rather not, going to keep it for next year. Speaking of leaves, I went to the hunter’s site yesterday. One particular hunt catches my eyes. There were not that many events for next year, of course, as we were still in 2005. This hunt would be held in February, from Sunway to the Lost World of Tambun. I would really like to have a breakaway anyhow, however, the entry price was really way up. Should I wait for other events to be registered?

The other reasons were it’s not organized by Time-Out Solution. I have no experience what so ever in hunts other than Time-Out Solution. In that case, if I were to enter, I definitely invite the Am-Bank team to join, some of them were the top hunters in Malaysia. I may create a new team, Bob express his interest to join, so he’s in. The problem right now is a navigator. Now, where would I find one?

An ideal-team should consist of four. A driver, navigator and 2 solvers. A driver should be fast, bonus would be if he knew the terrain well, any shortcuts would be an advantage. A navigator should be someone cool, doesn’t crack under pressure and confident. A bonus would be someone that knows how to calm down his team when the competition is heating up. The solvers, as the name implies, solved the puzzle. He doesn’t have to be knowledgeable, but he should have phone, two would be better, with both batteries fully charged. Contacts at home or in other rival teams will be an absolute advantage.

Things to be brought during the hunt that a team should have consist of dictionary, light foods and drinks and for the smokers, 2 packs of cigarettes. Please bring a BIG dictionary, left the small one at home. Yeah, I know the contents are the same. It’s not about the content, it’s a mind warfare. Imagine your rivals face when they saw you carried a big-ass dictionary in your hand, haha. I still remembered my face when I saw Balan’s, haha. I brought the smallest one I have at that time, I brought it out of the car, Balan’s team stopped behind us, and one of them brought out one of the biggest dictionary that I’ve ever seen. Queitly, I put back mine in the car, haha. By the way, Balan’s team was the defending champion for God knows how much in my company.

The food, of course, to be consumed during the ride, and it’s a long ride, I tell you. My only experience finishing early was when it was held in Penang (the last time I went). We manage to have a decent lunch (3 PM) at Pelita. However, I’m still hungry for the taste of victory. Maybe, I pray for a better result next time I went. Those things have got to be over now, cheers!

Block or Blog?

Last few days, Farah SMS me, asking for some tips to replace the word visitor. She’s encountered writer’s block, and asked me for any suggestion. It was for an event she said, and the word visitor just doesn’t seem fit. I read her SMS, and look at the clock, it was already 15 minutes past 1. The problem with my brain was after 12, there’ll be no entry for critical thinking, only comics and jokes allowed, haha. I did give her a few suggestions, but they didn’t satisfy me either. We both knew there’s this some “kick-butt” word that could replace visitor, but what? She sticks with visitor after that. Two days later, she SMS me with the word that we were looking for almost an hour.

It’s weird, isn’t it? The way our brain works. My English teacher always reminded me, lecturing me about the importance of notes, points etc to scribe before the start of any writing.

“Izrul, hang nie nanti kena writer’s block baru hang tau. Write your point first on a piece of paper, lepas tu baru start.”

“Tau, sure.”

Well, I never did. Although I did said I understand what she said, I didn’t, at that time at least, never encountered a writer’s block before. And when I did, man, I never felt so dumb. I’ve read about Mages in Dragonlance, about Wizard in Dungeon & Dragons where their weaknesses lays whenever they recited spells, the words will vanish from their mind. Yeah, now I know where the creators of the series got their ideas.

The weekends were not so happening. After I left Bob’s house Saturday morning, my mom’s asked me to send her to work, which I did, then pick her up when her shift was over, then my Grandfather holds kenduri at his house, and I was the driver, going here and forth, fetching here and there, till Sunday evening.

When I’m free on both of those days, I continued my reading/studies on the history of World War 2. I’ve stopped on the pages where the Russians started to reclaim Stalingrad. The tanks, particularly the Tigers and T-34s still captivated my imagination. There are still a lot of pages to cover, but if there’s no more new games for me to play, been planning to finish it by the end of this month.

There are still about ten books that I still haven’t started reading yet, though I’ve bought some of them dated about 2 years ago, haha. Book fetish maybe? No more, I planned to finish all of them before I bought a new one. Yeah, there are some books that have catches my eyes, but a promise a promise, and I intend to keep it. Currently there’s Grisham’s, King’s, Archer’s and a couple of books about medieval battles and financial planning. Yeah, I’m into financial now, haha, weird huh?

Talking about games, I still haven’t played Black & White 2 just yet and waiting for FEAR, Call of Duty 2 and Hitman 3. I’m on Space Rangers 2 right now. They said that games are for kids. Well, I dare them to play Space Rangers, then tell me whether it’s for kids or not. There’s math, IQ problem and mgmt in there. Become an Elus for the Faayans for example. I played that problem twice, passed once and when I tried again, I just gave up after several attempts. Thank God for autosave! I even rejected several Physique tests. With this depth, how long would it takes before your submarine hits the bottom, blink blink, I just shutdown the PC.

I Wonder

All alone the broadening skies
Under the every night I will lie
Scratching claw and grip the rails
Every day my living hell
Oh God you know I've tried
I know how hard I tried
and oh I tried......
Hey I'd like to daze away to a
Place like no one has known
In a state of mind I could call mine
That only I could own
Where I could hum a tune anytime
I choose, and then there is no such thing as time
Where I can feel no pain just calm and sane
What a place for one to find
Now you see I'm watching everything
I do and they're watching everything I say
Why wont they leave me be?
Why am I even here? I wonder
You leave me wondering
Won't you stop watching me
I said they're watching me, watching me, watching me
Now in my corner I got the ceiling in my eyes
Arms holding up my knees
And rocking back and forth my life
I didn't mean to feel this way
When I walked into the door, Lord
Then they ripped away my memories
And I cant remember who I was before.
And I only wanted to be 16 and free.
......and I wonder.

Exes

Turning on my MP3, thinking of writing when My Friends, a song by Red Hot Chili Pepper captured my thoughts for a while. A question popped –up in my head. Why? Why can’t some people changed? It’s been lingering in my head for a while, didn’t give it much thought though, till now. I mean, I don’t really care of what people think or act, it’s their choice, even I don’t want to be control, and because of that, I don’t want to control anybody’s act or think. I would just give a layout to whoever that cares, and it’s up to them.

Currently, ironically, Blind Melon’s song, I Wonder started itself up, one of my favourite song. Yeah, I’m wondering right now. My ex called a few days ago. That’s the last call I received from her, it’s almost a week now. With that, I think I can assuredly confirm myself that she’s gone for good. She was upset about my current life right now, happier than she was. She found out about my girlfriend, and as usual, started to throw me accuses and such without finding out the real story.

You know, I don’t feel mad anymore. Just a feeling of pity for her, pray that she would eventually be happy one day, living in her own created perfect world. It’s sad to be parted, I never wished our relationship to end this way, I never did. After 4 years, all the things promised have blown out to bits. It took me a year (the 4th) to finally realize that the feeling I felt for her was pity, nothing more, nothing less. Why can’t she just changed? I have changed a lot because of her, but it’s not enough, nothing ever enough for her.

The sad thing was, after I broke-up with her, I started to go out with other women. Promising myself to search for an unknown stranger, I started to hang out with places I’ve never dreamed of going, in search of solitude, peace and quite. Hoping for a re-bound, it was great at first, and then started to notice, yet again, that they tried to use me. What’s wrong with these people? Can’t they appreciate a guy who listened? Who really cares? Of course, I’m not one that easily falls in love with anyone though I still remained friends with some of them.

Of course, I started to find other types of people as well, it’s a wonder for me, because if you really do search for different types of people, there they are, just right in front of you. Some of them do freak me out a bit. I thought I was crazy, but they were even crazier! I’m cautioned enough not to let any of them knew where my house was, only Allah knew what they would have done if they knew, psychotic stalker, and to think that some of them I just met once, no promise has been given, of course, Allah, I wasn’t even flirting!

After the rebound “session” has finished, I started to lay low. Hanging out with my friends again somehow rejuvenates me. I started to feel myself again. Alhamdulillah, about two months ago, I’ve met this girl, and yeah, I have no intention at first to tackle her or anything, but those things just came by itself. I’ve gave up my mission to find someone that can understand me, and after three disastrous relationship, I don’t think anyone will, thinking that it was all bullshit and crap.

But here she was, describing every detail of me, some that even I didn’t aware of. She even said what should have been done to people of my type. I was dumbfounded. Never, did anyone told me that. All anyone (my exes) ever thought about was how or what I should/would do to satisfy them. What about me?

The only thing I regret right now was my exes. I mean, I won’t get back to them, but as a friend, I wish I could do something to get them back on track. People said I have a huge impact on them. Of course I did, who would have given anything for free and still maintained when received none in return? Haha. I wanted nothing except some acknowledgement that I did exist in their life, and none of them has given that to me, what’s the point of staying then?

However, I’m a soft hearted man, if any of them in need of my help, I’ll be there, though of course, my main priority right now is the one I love right now, the one that acknowledge my existence beside her. For once, I feel really appreciated, in a relationship, my job was getting secured (even though my boss asked me to classify creditors to debtors, haha) and yeah, life is good.

We're History

Up till now, I was still wondering, why Malaysians more knowledgeable in other civilization histories more than our own? Is it our lack of passion? Malaysians were just…..don’t care lor? Or was it the Education Ministry at fault? More conspiracy thought was, is there someone (particularly the British Empire) that doesn’t want us to know about our past?

I’ve started to wonder about this when I heard the truth about our national hero, Hang Tuah with his 4 sworn siblings, Hang Jebat, Hang Kasturi, Hang Lekir And Hang Lekiu (I was in Form 2 if I’m not mistaken). Hang Jebat was accused to be a traitor, frustrated by the Sultan’s decision to execute Hang Tuah for a crime that Hang Tuah didn’t commit. Hang Jebat opposed the crown, raising a coup against Sultan and make himself king. Hang Tuah, who was actually been hidden by Tun Perak (the Prime Minister), been pardoned by the Sultan and was commanded to kill Hang Jebat. Hang Tuah did and that’s the end of the life of the tyrant (who actually been there in the first place to avenge the “death” of Hang Tuah……ironic?). The catch is, it’s not Hang Jebat that raise the coup, it’s Hang Kasturi! Now, why would someone want to do that?

It’s actually connected with the Malay’s culture itself. You see, the Malays were highly sensitive about other person’s feeling. Traditionally, they were not famous for any outspoken behaviour. They were very polite and every word that came out of their mouth was made to not offend the listener’s heart. Kasturi was actually a name of a flower with a beautiful fragment. The name itself got it’s own beauty grace. Therefore, the Malays thought that it would do no good to pollute such a name and hence, the name of the person above was “chosen” to be the “bidan terjun”.

The other thing that I thought was really questionable was the story itself. Every historical fact should have at least 2 independent documents to verify the stories. I mean, take the above stories again, a very loyal servant of the Sultan, who was so loyal he even doesn’t bear any grudge to the one that ordered him killed. He was so loyal that he even agreed to kill his childhood friend that he called brother, who committed the act of treason because of him! Does that sound bullshit? I don’t know, it does sounds fishy though. The stories come from Tun Sri Lanang who was a writer during those times. However, there was another book called Sejarah Melayu who told completely different sets of stories. In its version, Hang Tuah was not the hero, and he’s a coward who runs at the start of battle, the hero in the book was Tun Perak. Two different books with two completely different stories, now, which one told the truth?

(Frankly, I don’t know. To whoever reading this, I wrote this to present the fact that I know of and to let you readers think, not to jeopardise the credibility of any writers. Truthfully, I’ve got a high respect for both of them)

Look at the present days for example, I’m no politician, I hate politics, for me, most of them are the same, all talk and no shows, I believed that with greater power come greater corruption if you’re not careful, if you know what I mean. But let’s look at the Malays right now; most of them still followed UMNO’s lead. Why? Most reasons I heard of was UMNO’s been here since the independent day and our ancestors have been voting them since. Sounds familiar? Was it because most Malays have their mind planted by Hang Tuah’s story? However wrong your leader are, follow him, as that what Hang Tuah will do. Was that the right mindset? I’ve got nothing against voters that vote because they really believed in UMNO’s or for any reasons. The same goes to PAS voters. If you’re voting for PAS because your dad and uncle do that, stop it! You have the right to think, there’s no more slave in the world and definitely not here in Malaysia. Sometimes I do thought the stories put in our history textbook was a tactic used by the politicians to secure their vote. Well, I could be right, I could be wrong.

Not everyone knows the truth about our history. The facts about it were actually here in Malaysia itself, mostly kept in the National Archive. My question was, why kept it hidden? Why put a totally wrong info in the textbook for the school children to read and memorise for their exam? Why didn’t the ministry of education let the truth out? What was the effect to anyone if the truth did get out?

Not everyone knows during the Malacca siege, the Malaccans already have muskets and cannons to fight against the Portuguese. Till right now, I was still searching, despite all that, how could Malacca fall and after so many years, hundred even, the Malaccans never managed to reclaim back their land? They have the resources they need to fight back, it’s not like throwing sticks to a full-armed men, both armies were well equipped so what’s the catch?

How many of us thoughts that Kedah was weak? Being plundered by the Siamese as if there’s nothing on Kedah except a bare naked lady waiting to be rape. The fact is Kedah have, up to a certain point, managed to invade Siam, though the siege was not that long, but that shows Kedah do fight back, not in full submission all the time.

How many of us heard of Panglima Awang a.k.a Henry the Black? There’s no bulllshit in that story as far as I’m concern. There’s an Italian’s diary mentioned about him and the famous Magellan, and in the Spanish Museum itself his name was included as an attendee during one of the Spanish King’s ceremony. If Awang (or whoever his malay name is) managed to come back to Tanah Melayu after the incident at Philippines (Magellan been mutinied by his First Mate, Awang revenged Magellan and no one sees him again), he will be the first person to travel around the world instead of Magellan.

Then the question of was Bugis the only pirates in Malays peninsular area? That’s stereotyping as far as I can tell. It’s the same as thinking that all Malays were lazy. What I know was most of the Bugis people were mercenaries and mostly hired by the Sultans or merchants as bodyguards or shock troop in their army.
There’s so much to know about our history as far as I can tell. There’s a lot to be learn and appreciated. There’s a new light been shade about Chinese government during the ancient years. I think it’s about time to shade ours.

The Smashing Pumpkins

The word is.........Billy is going to reform Smashing Pumpkins back.......is he? I mean, I'm excited as hell when I read it on Netphoria, but, could he? The thing is, would D'arcy and James rejoin the band? Things will not be the same without all four together, I know that, Billy knows that too. SP needs all four back. Without any one of them, I wouldn't even interested to know. Of course, I'm talking about the era of Gish till Pisces Iscariot where the raw grunge sound was still exploding, bouncing back and forth from my ear drum. If, which I doubt, the band will reform again, I hope the sound would re-emerge again, but definitely not from Adore or Machina, no, not any of those.

The band started to form in 1987 in Chicago when Billy meets James, a Japanese-American (he can’t speak Japanese). Sharing the same interest, they decided to form a band. Using a drum-machine and Billy as the bassist, both of them perform some decent gig at bars. They met D’arcy and Jimmy later and started to call themselves Smashing Pumpkins. During the early days of their live performance, Billy noticed that after every show, there would be pieces of pumpkins being smashed all around the stage area, and he decided to add the The in front to become The Smashing Pumpkins. The band does not, in any kind of form, relate to pumpkins.

They recorded their first album, Gish under an indie label. The follow-up album, Siamese Dream, was their breakthrough album. One of the most successful album in the world, it did a lot to cover the fact that the band has started to crumble. After overcoming the internal problems, they got through to make a double album, which was a risk worth taking. Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness was made and the albums sold a lot more than its predecessors. Immediately after that, Jimmy got stuck with drugs, going to rehab while their touring keyboard died after overdosing himself. The band’s music was different after that, more to commercial base, and Adore was produced. A flop after the previous albums, it doesn’t take far. Jimmy was back after rehab and Machina: The Machine of God was produced. The raw sound was back but still doesn’t have the “edge”. D’arcy quits the band followed by James (they both set-up a recording company) and Billy, with Jimmy, started a new band called Zwan, but they didn’t made it far.

I first heard about this band together with Blind Melon, Lemonhead and Radiohead from Remaja. I was 15 at that time. I bought all 3 albums (couldn't find Lemonhead's). The first SP's album (their second, after Gish) that I heard was Siamese Dream. The first thing I noticed was Jimmy's drum. It was a love at first hearing. Damn he's good, unique with his own style of running and rolling.

Billy Corgan was described by his teacher as “relatively quiet” but to his friend, outspoken. Influenced by musicians such as The Beatles and Jimi Hendrix, with his gothic view of life, started to play guitar as early when he is 15. A writer himself, he wrote most of the songs featured in the album. He was with a band before called The Marked. After 20 gigs or so, it was disband. During Siamese Dreams sessions, rumored has it that he played most of the instruments himself. True or not, he is a really fantastic guitarist. During live shows, he played most of the lead, continued by James when he has to sing again. The song that he describes as having the most part of him was Disarm. His voice was one of a kind. One second the pitching was so high and abruptly, it went down, to date, I have never heard of anyone that has a voice like him.

James Iha was the lead guitarist of the band. A Graphic Art student from Loyola University, he quits studying later to join the band. During the early days with Smashing Pumpkins, he was playing with another band called Snake Train. A talented guitarist, he showered the audience with his effect and rather mellow performance, supporting Billy with his powered playing style. He got into relationship with D’arcy during Siamese Dreams sessions, their relationship doesn’t hold on long and causing much headache to Billy in order to keep the band together. His talent showed itself during lives performance.

During a show at bar called Avalon, Billy got into an argument with D’arcy Wretzky. Billy was complaining (out-loud) about the band that always performed there, saying that they were a bunch of crap. D’arcy got irritated and after a while, claimed that she was on a band too, playing bass. The problem is, the only instrument that D’arcy has ever had professional training was the cello. Billy got interested (as he was in need of a bassist) and asked her to call him, which she did, and was invited to Billy’s house. She didn’t even know how to properly hold her instrument, much to Billy’s amazement. But there’s something in her character that interested Billy, and she was a kind person, and she joined the band without an audition. In Quiet, her bassist played was heard and one of the key factor that make Quiet one of the best songs of the band.

Jimmy Chamberlain was introduced by a friend. A jazz drummer who previously played a ten-piece showband called JP and The Cats and the only member of the band who graduated from Northern Illinois University. With most of his family a drummer, it doesn’t took long for him to blend into a rock group. He saw potential in the band, he once said and decided to join the band, taking interest in Billy’s talent as a songwriter. His drumming skills was, for me, best shown in Geek USA.

Other than Disarm, Quiet and Geek USA, other songs that I liked were Cherub Rock, Today, Mayonnaise, Tonight, 1979, Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Blew and Soma. Soma was the best, with the lyrics combined with the most touching lead I ever heard, tells about the frustration of not giving the best to the one we care. Although how hard we try, it would never be enough, and it’s already time to say goodbye. Today was the most popular song, telling however hard the day was, it was still the best.

I was heartbroken when I heard the news about the band breaking up. I followed for news of each of the band members, hoping that one day they will reform. Although the latest was Billy wants to reform the band, it was just Billy’s. No news about and comment from the other three. I still have this golden dream of meeting D’arcy in person, hahaha.

Kraken Headed

Hi there………Almost a month has passed, right? Why no update? Busy maaa…….. Tekanan perasaan tahap kritikal smlm. Deal with an FNG (who “happened” to be your boss) was frustrating. My other bosses? Alhamdulillah, couldn’t wish better, but this one? Can someone give me a name of an accountant that doesn’t even know what an Excel is? Excel as in Microsoft Office APPLICATION? Which accountant can be more stupid than that? Moreover, he’s actually TREMBLING when talking to me. Trembling? I’m not joking, now, who’s the boss here? Stuuupiiiid. Dah la lembap. Yesterday, he asked me to do an “urgent” task, to find the cost of investment and net tangible asset. From where? He don’t know….and he expect me to know? I’m in account payable team for crying out loud. Ask me about ageing, how much we owe, what’s the creditors turnover? Mo Man Tai. Reporting is not my game. I don’t even have the access to view P & L. Balance sheet? Balance SHIT is more like it.

Next, tax issues. The breast-feed department of the company. Under traveling GL, someone bought a flight ticket. The question from tax, please confirm that he travel using the ticket. The answer (deep in my heart): He used it as a toilet paper. Duhhhh!!! What the hell is your problem? Please find out why there’s no withholding tax? For a million time, that amount were recorded during goods received, check the document number laa, how can you impose tax on the goods that we haven’t paid yet? And what do they do? Dunno, o yeah, downgrading our performance evaluation. How can they do that? Asked my would be ex-boss, WE are your staff, YOU should evaluate us, not some other department ANDARTU that could still be thinking why nobody loves her.

Then, my leave was rejected. Rejected? My leave never been rejected before!! What does she needs me for this Monday anyway? I just need a break from all this, weekend? Jangan harap laa, too many invitations to fulfill, not that I’m complaining about that, it means I have lots of friends, right? The thing is, I really in need for a time to be alone right now, just me and me.

Been thinking about a breakaway again, yeah, should be about time now. But, budget lari ar…. My bonus this year has already been allocated out, it’s already finished before I even received it, haha. Nowadays, been thinking about having Vios parked in front of my house. O yeah, got to have her ( saliva dropping, haha). Thing that been stopping me from having her? Errmmmm……rahsia arr, hihi, not the right time to tell anyone just yet. Vios tak lari ke mana, right? Hei, bila nak pi Penang nie?????